Monday, July 23, 2007
How does one express what she feels when she doesn't even know? I have been so discouraged lately on so many different levels. Life is just happening and there is nothing I can do about it. I know this, but yet it doesn't help my feelings one bit. I have been on the job hunt for months now... and no luck. I have started pulling away from my family and friends, just so I can pour myself into the job hunt. I realize that you can only search so many hours in a day, but even the hours that I'm not hunting it seems I am working on a resume or staring blankly at my email waiting for a word to come about a job. I have had a summer to do whatever with pretty much and I have let it go to waste. Ben asked me the other day if I had enjoyed the summer and really I haven't. To begin with I did play a bit, but now I feel like I don't desrve to play and that I don't have a right to enjoy my free time. My mom said to enjoy it while I have it, but I feel so guilty even thinking such. I am forcing ymself to limit my recreational activities to the weekends... and even then I am usually sitting at home with my mother. I just feel so lame. I am finally happy with who I am as a person, loving my life... with the exception of no job and yet I am not allowing myself to enjoy it. I seriously need help. So last night, I read Ryan's blog. It really hit home and was just what I needed. You see it seems like I keep hitting road blocks no matter which way I turn, and he made me see that all of those blocks, mountains, valleys, twists and turns in the road are just preparing me for what God has in store. It also reminded me that I had not really stopped to ask for directions in a long time. So last night, I had a come to Jesus talk with myself... lol Obviously it worked... because after that, I had a Jesus come to me talk with the Lord... and guess what? He did just that! I poured out my heart and soul and basically said I didn't have a clue what I was doing or where I was going, but I did know that I wanted it to be His will, no matter what I did. I want to live for Him, not for She'Na. Being out of God's will is not something I want to endure, nor do I intend to even venture close to that valley. I am not prepared to handle the wrath. So, I got the best sleep last night I had gotten in a very very very long time. I think I slept a full 8 hours without interruption, which says a great deal. I didn't even have the assistance of a sleeping pill of any kind. I had thought about it though. This morning when I woke up, I felt rejuvenated and ready to take on the world... well at least a new day. I did just that. The day went by faster than any other day has in a long time and even though I did the same thing I have been doing, I actually felt like I was getting somewhere. Time will tell, but I'm prepared to wait it out... even if it means I will continue to be broke. It will all be worth it int he end, because GOd has something bigger and better than I could have ever imagined in mind for me and to me that makes it totally worth the effort!