Welcome to my blog...

Prepare yourself for the roller coaster ride of emotions... Be forewarned, this site is my vent site... I cannot be held responsible for what may be said on this blog. Often it's just little tidbits of useless information, but occassionally a wobbler post slips in and all my feelings are revealed. Sometimes they are sweet, sad or cheerful.... but oh when they aren't... well just let me go ahead and apologize now. lol What did you expect?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Another sleepless night...

So I usually blog at night... used to it was because I couldn't sleep for one reason or another, sometimes the snoring usually added to it, but tonight it's for other reasons. I just have a lot on my mind... I haven't taken a lot of time lately to reflect on positive things. Lately it seems the only reflections have been negative ones and those were more regrets than reflections. Today was the day that I started getting ready to move back into the house. It's a happy time, but kind of sad too. The house was a disaster and I got a lot of it cleaned up and that really helped my feelings a whole bunch. I was so hurt that a home that we worked so hard to build, was just trashed because of a few bitter feelings. I'm the one who has a right to be bitter about things, and yet I remain civil. So De and I clean our hearts out today and after a few hours are totally exhausted. I tell you, I owe that girl, big time! She has helped me out just when I needed it the most... our friendship isn't prefect, but we have been through some crap and still managed to make it... that what makes it so awesome. Anyway, we decided to call it a day, I was bitter because I had to clean up a horrible mess that I did not make and then I noticed my new towels gone that I had been saving for the bathroom renovation and the worst part... a hole in the wall!!!!!!!! Supposedly Robert fell into the wall, but whatever. I can't believe a word that is said lately especially since he refuses to respond to my messages, but does manage to take the time to do so to my brother's and mother's. So I was feeling good about the progress today, but I was so tired. My head has started hurting which I could tell was a migraine in the making. I had a meeting this afternoon and just was not in the mood. I was thirsty, hot and sweaty to say the least. I wanted something cold... and icey. I decided on a shaved ice, then I saw the icey lady. It was one of my favorite things as a kid... I remember standing in the driveway waiting for the icey lady to come by. As soon as I would hear the music, I would search frantically for money and head out the door. Those were the days... life was simple and innocent. Now, I have had an icy a few times since childhood, but I always get a different flavor than I did as a child. I had my usual, every day I would order a cherry coconut icey with a bag of cotton candy. I even had a charge account... and when mom would allow, I would treat the whole neighborhood to iceys. So today, I thought I need to relive some good memories, so I decided on the icey instead of the shaved ice, besides it is easier to drink and I was THIRSTY! I decided that I would order my old favorite- cherry coconut and that's just what I did. I was so excited, as soon as I took my first sip a huge smile came on my face and I was taken instantly back in time. It was a familiar time, it was a fun time, my parents were still married to each other, my family still lived at home, my friends were over constantly, my house was huge and beautiful... I had it all. The flavor was so soothing, it was surreal. It was exactly what I needed to help my mood. It had been a day where I just needed a hug. I got a little emotional at times, because of smells or a movement that prompted certain memories, but the icey made all that better. It was the best hug in a cup I have had in a long time.

So when I got home I drank my icey, rested a bit in the cool dark living room until time for the meeting. When I came home from the meeting, I washed some pillows, folded some clothes, took care of some business and then showered and went to bed. My head was hurting soooo bad. I was in bed before 8:30. That is so NOT like me. I read my Bible, Zac called, I talked to him a bit then tried to go to sleep. No such luck. The headache only grew. I decided to take some migraine meds and attempt again, I played around on myspace a bit letting the meds start doing their thing. Success! The pain eased immensely, but then, I was wide awake. I decided to channel surf, nothing interesting enough, so then I decided to watch home movies. It was exactly what I needed. I have laughed, cried, giggled and sobbed at the things captured on film. I have seen my girls grow from babies to big girls, saw my late aunt who was like my second mom, watched my mom and dad grow older, seen the houses change and the people too, relived the last 9 years of my life with Robert, which was a good thing. Our 7th wedding anniversary is Sunday and I have been wondering how I will do. I also wonder how moving back into "our" home will work. The last night I spent there was with him... so it will be different, but I'm ready. As I said earlier, I have had a lot of bitter feelings lately. Most of them toward Robert. I have been too busy focusing on the negative things, the person I didn't know, the I can't believe I did that's and other regrets... Yesterday, my mom reminded me that I did have to remember that Robert was good to me and that he was a good person. I had forgotten all of that. I had let years of hurt, decption, anger and resentment erase my warm fuzzy feelings that I once had for the man I once cherished. When I saw those videos, it was amazing that all those happy feelings came back, not the I want him back feelings, but the yeah he was a great guy kind of feelings. I am glad of that, I didn't like having ugly thoughts, especially about the one I fell in love with and married. I even had myself questioning myself for marrying him. I was reminded after watching those movies. Unfortunately,he isn't that person anymore, but it's good that I have the good moments captured on tape. He was good to me and he did love me. I was so blessed to be loved so strongly. Unfortunately he loved other things more. He was a great uncle to my girls and that meant so much. He was always right there with my crazy ideas and went right along with the plans the girls and I made, never once complaining. I don't know when things started to go sour, and it doesn't really matter, because once done is done. I do know that I did have several happy years with him and I am forever thankful for those. I am thankful even for the divorce, because people change... just as he has changed, so have I. Lately, I have thought that maybe I shouldn't have married him, maybe it was a mistake, maybe I was too young and didn't really love him, maybe he didn't love me... but tonight, I realized that I was in it for the right reasons and that he did love me, and that's a good thing. I also realized that I am now getting out of it for the right reasons too. That's an even better thing. So, now I have cried tears of sadness, pain, happiness and joy. I am now more ready than ever to get on with my new life and can't wait for all the happy times yet to come! Of course I am sad, because I am getting a divorce and you never think that you will, so that is sad, but at the same time I am happy because I am getting a divorce because the feelings that once were there are no more and it's not fair for either of us to stay where we aren't wanted. I think the seperation was long overdue. If you've stuck with me this long, thanks for listening to my ramblings. I know they probably make no sense, but I just kind of had to "put it on paper" so that I could finally get some rest. My head is better, my heart is better, my life is better, my love is better and I am now going to bed. Good night!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Today is Friday- add a little sunshine

I love Fridays. I don't know why, but for as long as I can remember I have loved them. Even in school I always had a special outfit picked out for Friday. It might be silly, but it got me through the rest of the week and I felt like a princess in my special Friday attire. So today is indeed Friday and I have on a cute outfit today too. lol Imagine that. However, in all honesty, I did not realize it was so darn cute until I put it on and saw how perfect it was. So anyway...

Today has not been a fun day generally speaking. I got a phone message early this morning and I should have known te day would go down hill from that point. I know it will get better though. It's just all this divorce stuff is really taking a toll on me. You know you just think you know someone and it's like, "Who the heck is that person?" I am really seeing a side of people that I never knew existed and I must say it isn't pretty. Of course that works in retrospect too, I have seen a softer side of people in my life that I never knew was there, or amybe I did, but I just never noticed it or had experienced it first hand. There are people in your life who you think will be there through thick and thin no matter what and then, when the time comes, they aren't. Then there are those who you think would never stand by you or jump in to lend a hand and yet they are there every step of the way. It's those people that I am so awesomely blessed to have with me on my journey of life.

You know, right now it would be so easy to turn away from everyone and everything I knew before and just go to a safe place away from the world.... and by this I do NOT mean Jenn's bed, like in the old days. I mean some where really far, like just fall off the face of the planet. I so want to do that on days every now and then, but then I am reminded of all the great people in my life and all the wonderful little things that I would miss about those guys. So, I decide to wait it out because good things come to those who wait. The only things that keep me going though are God and my support team of family and friends. They are all my rock and I have no clue where or who I would be without them. I pray that I never find out that answer either. Today as I was reading my Bible, some things jumped out at me that never had before. It was like answers to questions that I had, but at the same time I didn't know that I had those questions either. The weirdest part was that I had read that chapter and those very same very a million times probably and had even had them read to me as they are so familiar. I never realized that particular wording was in there. It was awesome to say the least. So I am just thankful, that even when we think the day is dark and dreary, God finds a place to add a little sunshine to brighten the day and roll the clouds away. That's exactly what happened today... and now I love Fridays even more than before! No, I still don't know any more than I did before as far as where I am in life right now, nor do I know the direction that I am supposed to be going, but I do know that God is with me and will be every single step of the way! Have a wonderfully blessed Friday! I know I already have!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Today is Wednesday.

That means that it is a Dallas night. It seems that on Wednesday I go to Dallas and he, Jessica, Josh and I all go to Buffalo's for Bash Night(all you can eat hot wings). That is one of my favorite things to do. It's not because I love hot wings, but it's because I love that Zac is so family oriented and I love hanging with Josh and Jessica. My family doesn't really hang out except on major holidays and then that just seems rushed. I'm just a family oriented person and I like that they are too. So I must decide on what I am wearing and make the long journey to Dallas for the week. It's my weekend in Georgia, so we are going to see a movie. I have to catch up on the first two of the series first. Anyway, Robert's not sure about a closing for the house, so now we (Mom and I) are looking to put it on the market or move into it ourselves. I wouldn't mind just moving into it, but I sure do hate that I have moved my stuff out already just to move it back in again. I guess that would be ok though. Hopefully Robert will know something one way or the other this week. The biggest thing right now is we don't know if he's getting the house or not, so we don't know what to do and are sort of at a stand still. Meanwhile, I have finally started scrapbooking again and am working on my Book of Me. This is the album that I insist that De and I do so that future generations would know who was the one taking all the pictures. I got as far as my title page, which is usually the last page that is done, and pretty much quit. That was probably 2.5 years ago and I am now finally doing another page. I have worked on 3 different layouts this week and they are finished except adding some photos and maybe a few journaled pieces. This album is very different because it's more like an autobiography or a research paper. Usually I can just tell what everyone was doing at the moment, but this book takes some thinking. It has been fun though scrapping again. I have quite a bit of dough "invested" in my scrapping supplies, so I might as well use it. One of the ebst parts of De and I getting together was that we had our favorite late night treat of noodles with sour cream and mushrooms. This was a weekly treat in high school, but you have to eat it late at night. So we did and it was scrumptious! Well I need to go and wash some clothes and pick out my attire. Have a great week!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Long time no blog

So Jenn said I hadn't blogged on here in a while, so I figured I should... since I do have fans and all. HAHAHA ROFLMBO

Let's see what has been going on lately. I guess the biggest thing is I'm still job hunting. In the past when I didn't need a job... I could have any job I wanted on the spot. It was always like that. Now, that is NOT The case. I am practically begging. Maybe people aren't hiring because it's summer or something, but dude I sooooo need cash! I have done very well at stretching my dollars, however I sooo want a pedicure and some goodies from Bath & Body Works. However, my car payment seems to be the main need/want right now. Robert is buying the house, so that part of the divorce should be over soon. Unfortunately, the other part is not going as smoothly as I had planned. I don't know what made me think that it would... but you know one can always dream.

Other than my jobless state and being almost 30 and living with my mother.... again... life is grand. Now I love living with my mom and I love even more that she isn't alone, however I feel so lame just by the fact that it is a necessity right now. I have officially moved back into my old room. It's still pink... and the same curtains are still up as the day I moved a little over 9 years ago. However, let me just tell you that when a room is pretty much left for 9 years, dust accumulates... in every single place possible!!! I wish the room could be fixed all nice and pretty, but at this point I am just glad to get my clothes out of a suitcase. I haven't made it that far yet, but that is my goal soon.

Hmmm, what all has happened since I last blogged. Oh I had a staph infection on my chin, that was weird and it hurt like heck! I spent Memorial Day with Zac and his family at the lake. I had a wonderful time! I wish my family did stuff like that, but it never fails someone would end up mad at someone else and everyone's weekend would be ruined. So, I guess I will live vicariously through the Cain's. hehe The Gang had a cook out at Paul and Kim's, we celebrated Bitty's birthday. That was nice and the food was yumm-o! Especially my peach cobbler... lol Which would be heavenly to have right about now.

My Boogie girl turned 11 yesterday. I cannot believe it. I actually haven't had much time to think about it and it is best that way. I would be way too emotional.

Relay for Life is this Friday night. We(the gang) will all be there because it is part of our Junior Service League service hours. It's always fun to just have a big social event with the town, while doing a good thing too. I can't wait to see/hear the responses from people when they find out Robert and I are not together. It is ridiculous. My phone rings like crazy and anytime I go someone people are asking because they have seen him and his girlfriend. I just think it's funny.

Well I need to check on my laundry and work on a website project for a bit. I am working for my brother part timely... it's pretty easy stuff and at this point money is money... anyway... Have a wonderful week! Night.