Welcome to my blog...

Prepare yourself for the roller coaster ride of emotions... Be forewarned, this site is my vent site... I cannot be held responsible for what may be said on this blog. Often it's just little tidbits of useless information, but occassionally a wobbler post slips in and all my feelings are revealed. Sometimes they are sweet, sad or cheerful.... but oh when they aren't... well just let me go ahead and apologize now. lol What did you expect?

Friday, March 30, 2007

I am so bored....

This is NEVER a good thing with me. I don't handle boredom well. It's a good thing that I'm not bored that often. When I am bored, I often come up with drastic things to do and things that ususally cost a lost of money, that I suddenly NEED. Yes, I said Need. That being said, I have a lonnnng list. I have a shoot today, then I will be ready with my list. That list which includes some practical items, possibly has more not so practical needs. Those of which include a Brachioplasty (Arm job) and a fat roll removal... lol I'm sure there is a technical term, but whatever... I just want it done. I also want new bedding, new crown molding in my bedroom and my walls painted. Will tuiis be accomplisehed tonight? Doubtful... I have a shoot and then I have to get ready to go get my little brother from his mom's tomorrow. Maybe some of it will get done this weekend though. I guess, I should get ready for the shoot and return all the darn phone calls from everybody in the brother calling today. Have a great Friday. At the moment I'm having my lovely meal of apple chips. Yum!!! This totally does not go along with my whole living foods deal, but what can I say, I love these things!!! I think I can handle just one bag a day... lol of course that is an individual portion.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

It's been 10 days...

since I last blogged. I just got back from Daytona. Had a blast! Sisters bag got stolen with camera and her cell phone. She has handled it pretty well. Anyway, It is a beautiful day and I am going outside to work in the yard... I will blog more later. Ok, I am back. The pollen was tooo bad. What was I thinking? Anyway, I had a break from my usual apple chip meal. I actually had a Subway sandwich. It was good. I topped it off with a remainder of Rolos Robbie got me on our way back from Daytona. It was a nice surpise, just a sweet gesture. I love Rolo's, they are my favorite little reminder of my childhood. My dadd used to buy me Rolo's. So anytime I have some of those, it takes me back... anyway I have had some time to myself this week. It has been nice. I have done some through deep down cleaning. I have been able to catch up with old friends and some new friends that I have not talked to in a while. I guess, I should get off of here and give my sister my undivided attention on the phone. Anyway, have a great day! Send me some love... all of my windows will be up, email, etc... so I can see it when I walk by.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Letter to the Normals

I found this on a fibromyalgia website, as you see it is 1:30am and I am still awake. This is a typical night for me and I long for the times when I was asleep before 10. I thought I was so old then, and wasting my years sleeping, then I got to where when I tried to sleep, I couldn't, i woudl think of all the things that I could be accomplishing, now, I am awake, but have no energy and the pain is unbearable and yet I still think of the time that I am wasting. What can I do about it?.... Nothing!
Anyway, as I was saying, I found this and of course it reminded myself of me and Mama, as she was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia as well. She joked that she got it from me. Thankfully she is feeling great these days, praise the Lord! I hope she continues to feel well. My back is getting better, I think one or two more visits with Dr. Steele shall do it. I am actually able to stand up straight today on my own. I still hurt like crazy though. I just hate not knowing why it hurts, I don't know if I did something or if it's the FM (fibrommyalgia, unfortunately I have been made very aware of the Fibro-fog lately, as I forget everything it seems. I do feel a bit better about it though as now I know I am not crazy and don't have Alzheimers at 27. There is a dog barking in my backyard... we don't have dogs, but whatever they are running out of the yard, I am thankful for that. Now back to the fibro-fog... earlier Robert asked if we had any chocolate, we did, but I couldn't tell him what kind it was for the longest. It was a Twix bar, and when I finally did remember, I wasn't too sure that it was the correct name. We just bought it Friday night, so I should not have forgotten it that soon, but I did. Anyway, welcome to my world! The letter is below, it totally describes me!!!

The Letter To Normals

Hello Family, Friends, and Anyone Wishing to Know Me,

Allow me to begin by thanking you for taking the time out of your day to spend some time with me and get to know me better. A person’s time is their most valuable asset and yours is appreciated.

I want to talk to you about Fibromyalgia (FM) and Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome (MPS). Many have never heard of these conditions and for those who have, many are misinformed. And because of this judgments are made that may not be correct… So I ask you to keep an open mind as I try to explain who I am and how FM/MPS has assaulted not only my life but those whom I love as well.

You see, I suffer from a disease that you cannot see; a disease that there is no cure for and that keeps the medical community baffled at how to treat and battle this demon, who’s attacks are relentless. My pain works silently, stealing my joy and replacing it with tears. On the outside we look alike you and I; you wont see my scars as you would a person who, say, had suffered a car accident. You wont see my pain in the way you would a person undergoing chemo for cancer; however, my pain is just as real and just as debilitating. And in many ways my pain may be more destructive because people can’t see it and do not understand....

Please don’t get angry at my seemingly lack of interest in doing things; I punish myself enough I assure you. My tears are shed many times when no one is around. My embarrassment is covered by a joke or laughter, but inside I want to die....

Most of my "friends" are gone; even members of my own family have abandoned me. I have been accused of "playing games" for another’s sympathy. I have been called unreliable because I am forced to cancel plans I made at the last minute because the burning and pain in my legs or arms is so intense I cannot put my clothes on and I am left in my tears as I miss out on yet another activity I used to love and once participated in with enthusiasm.

I feel like a child at times... Just the other day I put the sour cream I bought at the store in the pantry, on the shelf, instead of in the refrigerator; by the time I noticed it, it had spoiled. When I talk to people, many times I lose my train of thought in mid sentence or forget the simplest word needed to explain or describe something. Please try to understand how it feels to have another go behind me in my home to make sure the stove is off after I cook an occasional meal. Please try to understand how it feels to “lose” the laundry, only to find it in the stove instead of the dryer. As I try to maintain my dignity the Demon assaults me at every turn. Please try to understand….

Sleep, when I do get some, is restless and I wake often because of the pain the sheets have on my legs or because I twitch uncontrollably. I walk through many of my days in a daze with the Fibro-fog laughing at me as I stumble and grasp for clarity.

And just because I can do a thing one day, that doesn’t mean I will be able to do the same thing the next day or next week. I may be able to take that walk after dinner on a warm July evening; the next day or even the in the next hour I may not be able to walk to the fridge to get a cold drink because my muscles have begun to cramp and lock up or spasm uncontrollably. And there are those who say “but you did that yesterday!” “What is your problem today?” The hurt I experience at those words scars me so deeply that I have let my family down again; and still they don’t understand….

On a brighter side I want you to know that I still have my sense of humor. If you take the time to spend with me you will see that. I love to tell that joke to make another’s face light up and smile at my wit. I love my kids and grandbabies and shine when they give me my hugs or ask me to fix their favorite toy. I am fun to be with if you will spend the time with me on my own playing field; is this too much to ask? I love you and want nothing more than to be a part of your life. And I have found that I can be a strong friend in many ways. Do you have a dream? I am your friend, your supporter and many times I will be the one to do the research for your latest project; many times I will be your biggest fan and the world will know how proud I am at your accomplishments and how honored I am to have you in my life.

So you see, you and I are not that much different. I too have hopes, dreams, goals… and this demon…. Do you have an unseen demon that assaults you and no one else can see? Have you had to fight a fight that crushes you and brings you to your knees? I will be by your side, win or lose, I promise you that; I will be there in ways that I can. I will give all I can as I can, I promise you that. But I have to do this thing my way. Please understand that I am in such a fight myself and I know that I have little hope of a cure or effective treatments, at least right now. Please understand….

Thank you for spending your time with me today. I hope we can work through this thing, you and I. Please understand that I am just like you… Please understand….

Saturday, March 17, 2007

I'm addicted..

it seems lately I am addicted to lots of things. lol Croissants from Sam's Club, Yogo's fruit snacks, especially Island Explosion and Banana-Berry (which is weird because I HATE anything artificially banana flavored), Apple Chips and now Samoas flavored ice cream. I discovered it last night and man it is just yummy! I don't even like ice cream! Well, it isn't my frozen treat of choice anyway. The weirdest of them all is my grapfruit shampoo and conditioner from Bath & Body Works. I love that stuff. I walk around forcing everyone to smell my freshly washed hair and become offended when they tell me that they can't smell anything!!!!
I tell you if ever there was a time for me to be pregnant it would be now, my emotions are whacked!!! More so than usual, there was a picture that I took in the paper, I cried. There was a photo of 5 generations in the paqper, I cried. I cried because Brook is halfway through her primary school career and Erin is not 2 anymore, but now 19!! Oh and the list goes on and on... lol I need some drugs and obviously some strong ones! I did a shoot last night at a school dance. My back has been bothering me and that only made it worse. I spent 2 days in the bed this week and the latter half of today on the sofa. I saw my bestest friend in the whole wide world Dr. Steele today. I love him!!!! I am going to have to go back sometimes this week because I still am in major pain! However while I was there I managed to get scolded for wearing open back shoes and working the yard. Not because I might hurt my back, but because I might run into a snake. lol Ahhh you gotta love him! Anyway, I guess I will enjoy watching my DVR's episode of Will & Grace and get back to my Samoas ice cream. lol Hae a great night!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I'm home alone today...

for the first time in months and what am I doing? I'm lying in the bed!!!! Not becacuse I am lazy, as I have tons of things that I want to do, but my back is bothering me very badly so I took some Flexra and have been in bed ALL DAY LONG! I want to work outside, I want to clean, I want to work in the hobby room, but I have a shoot tomorrow and know that I NEED to be ready for that. So here I lie!! Bored out of my mind. Talking to my sister on the phone and forcing her to listen me sing, well bolt out uncontrollable sounds that have a similar tune to old songs, but unfortunately do not fall in the the same key range! Poor her!!! Hmm, wonder if my brother has any requests?? Well I shall be going now, I sent out the Easter invites via email today. If you did not receive one, let me know and I will get it to you. Thanks! Love you bunches!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Robbie goes back to work tomorrow. We are thankful for that. I have garden club today. I have started working in the yard and am loving it. The weather has been so beautiful lately. It has been close to 80 several days. I can't wait to get the yard finished for Easter. We always have it at our house and I love it. It is one of my favorite holidays. Since I love to entertain that makes it even better. I was hoping that my house would be finished by then, but chances of that happening are slim to none. Maybe next year. I'm not sure if I have posted or not, but Cassi did excellent in the science fair GEARSEF. She brought home several awards including the US Army Achievement Award and the Air Force Award of Excellence in Science and Engineering. She worked really hard and we are very proud of her. I guess that is it for now, I am feeling really tired so I am going to rest up before the meeting. Talk to you later.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Mattress Woes- spin off of The Princess and the Pea

Once upon a time there was a girl who wanted a new mattress. This was quite a longtime desire, so the girl decided to do some mattress shopping. Store after store the girl tested mattresses until she found the mattress that she wanted more than any other amttress. Just to be sure she went to another store to try the same mattress. Yes! This was THE ONE! So she placed her order at the mattress store and paid the big price for the special mattress with the space foam. It was a state of the art mattress and the newest, best thing on the market. The mattress came in and was delivered. It was great, for a few months, then the thing broke down. The girl complained day in and day out. Finally,the girl had her husband call the company to find out what the problem was. They agreed to order a new mattress. Great, they would call when it came in to set up a delivery date. The girl went on a trip to North Carolina for several months. The mattress never got delivered. Once they were home for good, they called the company to set up a delivery date for the matress. They had to order a new one because the old one had been sold. Upon visiting the store, a different kind of mattress was requestedx, but they qagreed to try ONE MORE MATTRESS. The day came and the mattress was delivered. It was heaven! That is until they went to put the sheets on the bed. It was not the correct size. The girl fussed with her husband to push it this way, but he kep saying to push it his way. Finally the girl measured the mattress and called the company. It was not the correct size. A new mattress was delivered, it was not the same kind and there was too much moisture in the plant so the box springs creaked like crazy. Finally, they decided to contact the store agin. The girl just wanted the old mattress that was not the right size. It slept great and the new mattress was hard and stiff and yucky. The store said they would bring that mattress back and a brand new mattress. Great! The girl was overly excited. The day came and the mattresses were delviered. The service men put the new mattress on there first. This time the owner of the company had came. He said they had made the matress as a california king width, but a regular kind length. The new mattress was too hard. It was lower and just not comfy. The second mattress was just right!!!! Except now the box springs were too large. The man was not happy with the girl, but the girl was standing her ground. She had requested from the beginning exactly what she wanted and it was not her fault they kept ordering other mattresses. The girl knows what she wants. Apparently other people just don't always listen to the girl. The girl was very calm and polite the whole time. Apologizing and thanking them for the extra effort they had put forth, but insisting that it was not what she wanted. The girl politely stated her case and then left the room as a breakdown was close at hand. The girl is supposed to reduce stress levels and everyone in a room just staring at her waiting for her to tell them what they want to hear was not a great way to do this. The girl politely excused herself after staing her originaly request once more, stating that it had been her request from the beginning. The girl left it in their hands now to do the right thing. Once the service men took the mattress out and had placed the too small matttress on the box springs, the girl's husband pointed to something on the mattress.The girl leaned over and saw a hole. The girl kept her mouth shut and was grateful for what she had, but is anxiously waiting for the call to see if she can get box springs to match her too small of a mattress or if she will not sleep for the rest of her life. You see the girl never sleeps and the too small mattress was the only mattress since she was a merely a teen that she has been able to rest peacfully on through the night. This probably meant nothing to the store owner, but to the girl it meant the world.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I got my laptop back!!! After a LONNNNNG time... it is finally fixed. my battery isn't being recognized, but the power supply works! Woohoo!! We go Friday to the last Science fair that we have scheduled. I had some awesome pictures delivered yesterday and am waiting on some more today. I guess life is pretty boring otherwise. Robert's job search is still on, had a phone interview with a company from Mississippi. So Robbie is excited about that.
Someone hit the back of my truck and knocked off my Auburn hitch cover and broke it. That was not a happy finding, not to mention the big white scratch going across the bumper. To make it worse, it was in my own yard. It just seems like life just keeps piling things on us, but that's cool. We're strong.
We got our new cell phones, but we couldn't port the numbers. Roanoke Telephone Company sucks!!! So now we have Southern Lincs. Our power bill from last month came it was almost 300.00!! That is extremely high for us, but it was because of our heat pump messing up last month. So everything continues to pile and we survive. Thank God for that!!! He always comes through and He will again! Oh I took some photos at our old church Saturday. I lvoed seeing everyone. It really felt like home again. I miss them. Anyway, I guess I will be going now, UPS just came with my last package. See ya!