Welcome to my blog...

Prepare yourself for the roller coaster ride of emotions... Be forewarned, this site is my vent site... I cannot be held responsible for what may be said on this blog. Often it's just little tidbits of useless information, but occassionally a wobbler post slips in and all my feelings are revealed. Sometimes they are sweet, sad or cheerful.... but oh when they aren't... well just let me go ahead and apologize now. lol What did you expect?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Another sleepless night...

So I usually blog at night... used to it was because I couldn't sleep for one reason or another, sometimes the snoring usually added to it, but tonight it's for other reasons. I just have a lot on my mind... I haven't taken a lot of time lately to reflect on positive things. Lately it seems the only reflections have been negative ones and those were more regrets than reflections. Today was the day that I started getting ready to move back into the house. It's a happy time, but kind of sad too. The house was a disaster and I got a lot of it cleaned up and that really helped my feelings a whole bunch. I was so hurt that a home that we worked so hard to build, was just trashed because of a few bitter feelings. I'm the one who has a right to be bitter about things, and yet I remain civil. So De and I clean our hearts out today and after a few hours are totally exhausted. I tell you, I owe that girl, big time! She has helped me out just when I needed it the most... our friendship isn't prefect, but we have been through some crap and still managed to make it... that what makes it so awesome. Anyway, we decided to call it a day, I was bitter because I had to clean up a horrible mess that I did not make and then I noticed my new towels gone that I had been saving for the bathroom renovation and the worst part... a hole in the wall!!!!!!!! Supposedly Robert fell into the wall, but whatever. I can't believe a word that is said lately especially since he refuses to respond to my messages, but does manage to take the time to do so to my brother's and mother's. So I was feeling good about the progress today, but I was so tired. My head has started hurting which I could tell was a migraine in the making. I had a meeting this afternoon and just was not in the mood. I was thirsty, hot and sweaty to say the least. I wanted something cold... and icey. I decided on a shaved ice, then I saw the icey lady. It was one of my favorite things as a kid... I remember standing in the driveway waiting for the icey lady to come by. As soon as I would hear the music, I would search frantically for money and head out the door. Those were the days... life was simple and innocent. Now, I have had an icy a few times since childhood, but I always get a different flavor than I did as a child. I had my usual, every day I would order a cherry coconut icey with a bag of cotton candy. I even had a charge account... and when mom would allow, I would treat the whole neighborhood to iceys. So today, I thought I need to relive some good memories, so I decided on the icey instead of the shaved ice, besides it is easier to drink and I was THIRSTY! I decided that I would order my old favorite- cherry coconut and that's just what I did. I was so excited, as soon as I took my first sip a huge smile came on my face and I was taken instantly back in time. It was a familiar time, it was a fun time, my parents were still married to each other, my family still lived at home, my friends were over constantly, my house was huge and beautiful... I had it all. The flavor was so soothing, it was surreal. It was exactly what I needed to help my mood. It had been a day where I just needed a hug. I got a little emotional at times, because of smells or a movement that prompted certain memories, but the icey made all that better. It was the best hug in a cup I have had in a long time.

So when I got home I drank my icey, rested a bit in the cool dark living room until time for the meeting. When I came home from the meeting, I washed some pillows, folded some clothes, took care of some business and then showered and went to bed. My head was hurting soooo bad. I was in bed before 8:30. That is so NOT like me. I read my Bible, Zac called, I talked to him a bit then tried to go to sleep. No such luck. The headache only grew. I decided to take some migraine meds and attempt again, I played around on myspace a bit letting the meds start doing their thing. Success! The pain eased immensely, but then, I was wide awake. I decided to channel surf, nothing interesting enough, so then I decided to watch home movies. It was exactly what I needed. I have laughed, cried, giggled and sobbed at the things captured on film. I have seen my girls grow from babies to big girls, saw my late aunt who was like my second mom, watched my mom and dad grow older, seen the houses change and the people too, relived the last 9 years of my life with Robert, which was a good thing. Our 7th wedding anniversary is Sunday and I have been wondering how I will do. I also wonder how moving back into "our" home will work. The last night I spent there was with him... so it will be different, but I'm ready. As I said earlier, I have had a lot of bitter feelings lately. Most of them toward Robert. I have been too busy focusing on the negative things, the person I didn't know, the I can't believe I did that's and other regrets... Yesterday, my mom reminded me that I did have to remember that Robert was good to me and that he was a good person. I had forgotten all of that. I had let years of hurt, decption, anger and resentment erase my warm fuzzy feelings that I once had for the man I once cherished. When I saw those videos, it was amazing that all those happy feelings came back, not the I want him back feelings, but the yeah he was a great guy kind of feelings. I am glad of that, I didn't like having ugly thoughts, especially about the one I fell in love with and married. I even had myself questioning myself for marrying him. I was reminded after watching those movies. Unfortunately,he isn't that person anymore, but it's good that I have the good moments captured on tape. He was good to me and he did love me. I was so blessed to be loved so strongly. Unfortunately he loved other things more. He was a great uncle to my girls and that meant so much. He was always right there with my crazy ideas and went right along with the plans the girls and I made, never once complaining. I don't know when things started to go sour, and it doesn't really matter, because once done is done. I do know that I did have several happy years with him and I am forever thankful for those. I am thankful even for the divorce, because people change... just as he has changed, so have I. Lately, I have thought that maybe I shouldn't have married him, maybe it was a mistake, maybe I was too young and didn't really love him, maybe he didn't love me... but tonight, I realized that I was in it for the right reasons and that he did love me, and that's a good thing. I also realized that I am now getting out of it for the right reasons too. That's an even better thing. So, now I have cried tears of sadness, pain, happiness and joy. I am now more ready than ever to get on with my new life and can't wait for all the happy times yet to come! Of course I am sad, because I am getting a divorce and you never think that you will, so that is sad, but at the same time I am happy because I am getting a divorce because the feelings that once were there are no more and it's not fair for either of us to stay where we aren't wanted. I think the seperation was long overdue. If you've stuck with me this long, thanks for listening to my ramblings. I know they probably make no sense, but I just kind of had to "put it on paper" so that I could finally get some rest. My head is better, my heart is better, my life is better, my love is better and I am now going to bed. Good night!

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