Ok, so I was going to bed and I did. But then I couldn't sleep. I couldn't even relax or be still. I said my prayers and then tears just started swelling up in my eyes. I don't know why. I am a big cry baby, but usually there is a reason. This time I could not think of one legitimately. Robbie has a big trip tomorrow and I hate that he has to drive that far in one day. I hope and pray he is safe. I thought that might be it, but after I prayed about that specifically I was still crying- maybe even more. I finally had to get out of bed and grab some tissue. I have gone through almost a whole double roll! My mom says sometimes you just need a good cry and maybe that is just the case with this. This have been going on for about 2 hours though. Maybe not quite that long, but a long time. I'm hormonal... I always am. I haven't felt good and I hope this is just all the nasty stuff getting out of my system. No one has hurt my feelings, believe it or not. I am not sad or depressed or upset. I have taken all of my meds, and still nothing. I just felt the need to tell my whole family what I wanted them to know. I could go on more and more, but I just wrote a brief summary to each of them. It is on my hard drive titled, "Love notes to my family", in case of emergency.
I don't want to ever lose them. I wish the world would just come to an end before someone in my family has to die, but I want it to wait until everyone's salvation is satisfied. Last year when I was really sick, I really thought at one time that I was going to die. So did my mom, of course neither of us shared that thought until I was better. I don't feel like that now, but I felt that I should write my family letting them know how much I love them and what they mean to me, just in case. You never know I guess. I don't want to say that I couldn't stand to lose a family member, because I don't want to be tested and I know that God won't put anything on us that we can't handle . So I won't dare say that I can't handle that, because I don't want him to make a believe out of me! I am just saying I don't want to know what it's like to lose anyone else. I am scared of everyone in my family, the future, their salvation, their jobs, just everything. I want the absolute best for everyone and I think they deserve it! I wish I could give them everything they need and want. They all give me so much and have all given up so much for me. I am truly blessed. I have one of the best support systems that was ever invented- my family! I wish that we would do things as a family more and had more together time, because I truly cherish each moment that we have together. I love each and every one of them more than they could ever know.
I wanted to write more in their "letters" but I couldn't. It's hard to think and see past the tears. Tears of joy and tears of sadness. I don't think, well I know I am not as sick as I was last year, though I am not totally better, but I was just thanking God for bringing me so far. I also prayed that I would not have to go through another year like that again and I guess that got me to thinking that what if something happened to me or my family what would I want to tell them. I guess I was relieved to be alive, but yet scared to venture down that road again. One of the things that got me to thinking, is me not being able to sleep. I pick at Robert about not being able to sleep because of his snoring, but as I was lying there and he was starting to snore, it was music to my ears. I was just crushed thinking what if there were no more snores, then that led to what I would miss about each family member. I felt that I needed to put it in writing, but typing is faster. I didn't want to get out of bed though, because I didn't want to lose one moment with one that I love. All that went through my mind was I don't want to miss a thing, from Aerosmith. That song sums up all of my thoughts tonight I suppose.
You know my hormones are all out of whack, well tonight that are doing a good job of it, because I just am blubbering on like a big whale. If someone walked in they would think I was crazy, my face is swollen from the tears and I am surrounded by the tissue. Time for another roll. You know we think about the little idiosyncrasies that get on our nerves about others, yet at the same time if that person were not around for what ever reason, it is probably those very things that we would miss most.
I think all the tears are finally gone for the night. I have 6 minutes until it is a new day and just a few more hours until my husband gets on the road, so I am going to go listen to the music of the snoring Robbie and snuggle up and enjoy the time that God has given me and be blessed that I have ears to listen!
Have a blessed day! To my family and friend- I love you all very very very very very much! If I hae never told you, then know that it is true. Each of your is a special part of me and without you, I would not be complete. Thanks for making me me! Love you bunches and bunches!
Oh and Bubba- why did you not put the Bubbalicious comment on you myspace! I that you ahve to approve them! Then it's not a surprise!