Visual DNA

It's been almost a month since my last entry. Some great things have happened then, as well as some not so great things. I guess that's just part of life. I have learned more about my friends and their dedication or lack there of as well some that I didn't think were friends, have managed to get pretty close. Life is about gains and losses... and that totally sums up mine right now. I have received closure on some things and some things I'm sure I will never understand, so I do not dare to tread that ground. It seems lately anything that I can possibly manage to screw up, I do. Obviously, I have this thing where things cannot be great and just enjoy it, because then I always get too paranoid and just expect it to go down hill. If it doesn't head that direction on it's own, I must immediately force it that way.... I could go on and on, but fortunately I have better things to do.

October 9, 2007- Dunno why this didn't post the first time.

I have gotten so much accomplished today. Lacy is still giving me a run for my money and making rethink the whole kid thing, but she is fun and just keeps me smiling. I love her to death. Mama and I were talking about how pretty she was and how much she has grown. She is so smart and social. It's too funny. I don't really have much other to say, still missing Zac, but he is doing a great job of staying in touch. Lacy has her own blog now. If you want the address, let me know. Lots of pictures are posted... Anyway, I guess I need to get some laundry done. Ciao!

Adventures

Last night we went to Opelika and LaGrange to pick up the girls. Mom, Zoe and I spent the afternoon in LaGrange. We stopped in Valley for some Arby's and priester's samples from the boot outlet. It was yummy. I scared mama with a trick mouse in a box and Zoe with a man in an outhouse. We laughed and laughed. Once we finally pick up Brook and Bree, we headed home after wishing Brad a happy birthday. This morning, we completed our klan with Courtney. We played with Lacy, went to the park, went to my grandmother's old home place and a few more... adventures. The girls love to take adventures, which generally consists of me just telling them, "Let's go." Then us just driving and them finding out once we get there. They were so funny at Nanny's. They couldn't believe that things existed back then. Actually, it was stuff from the last residents, but they thought it was from waaaaayyyy back in the day. We spend a good bit of the afternoon at my house. The plan was to pick up pecans, but I don't think that was very successful. Daddy and the boys came over so everyone played and talked and it was LOUD!!!! Mama said she should have had that many kids and I said that I would have ran away a long time ago. Anyway, it was just very nice to be out and about. There were really no fusses and no arguing. A few little spats at times, but it all worked out. They have all fallen asleep now, but before they did they said, "Can we do it again tomorrow?" That just makes me smile because soon they will not want to spend their Saturday night with their grandmother and their aunt. They have been making plans for my baby and even choosing my last name as well as my children's names. They are just too funny about it all. We concluded that when I do have children, they will be spoiled because my girls will be old enough to do the spoiling.... of course they say that now, when the time comes, we will see if they actually have time to babysit. Anyway, I am going to try and relax a bit now, just wanted to share about our great day. I was going to write a lot more, but I am just tired and it all seems so blah... lol

Tuesday- Only 17 more days....

It's only 17 days until my birthday. Hooray!!! I love holidays... of any kind, but especially birthdays. I think out of all the months that I could have been born, I am glad that I was born in October. It's one of my favorites! Anyway, it's a stormy rainy day today and it's just a good day to do nothing. So, I worked, rain some errands and came home and baked a cake for my mom. She is doing a great job on not smoking, so anything she wants... I try to give her. Anyway, I think I am getting sick. I just feel kind of yucky and stuffy. I have service league tonight and garden club meeting tomorrow. I do not know if I will feel up to going. I also want to do my daily walk today, but the weather kind of has put a damper on that... literally. ;) I'm off tomorrow and Friday instead of my usual Thursday and Friday, so I plan on just realxing and doing laundry. I don't really have much new thing to report. I have listed some stuff on ebay... I love that place. It's very addicting. Aside from that, things are pretty calm on the home front. Still able to hear from Zac daily and of course that just helps get my day started off right. Sometimes we don't have much to say, then other times, we are just as talkative as ever. At any rate, I still enjoy just holding the phone listening to him breath. Sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and call him instead of waiting for him to call me. I guess that's what they make email for, but I need instant gratification... The phone keeps ringing off the hook, but it's really no one I care to talk to, so I guess I should probably answer so they will stop calling. I don't recognize the number, so that's why I haven't answered. Anyway, gonna go enjoy the storm.

Life is good...

Well, it's a nice fall morning. I awoke early this morning to tend to Lacy, it was so crisp and cool outside. It made me remember one of the many reasons why fall is my favorite season. Here I sit enjoying my first cup of cocoa of the season and just reflecting on how good my life really is. Sure there are bad days, but that's part of life. I had a pretty awesome week. I've had a wonderful time hanging with my mom, great talks with Zac daily, gotten in some exercise every.single.day... which is a big deal for me and have seen all of my friends this week. I've talked to all of my family and all is well with them. You know so many times we take things for granted, when life's greatest pleasures are all in the little things. Take my cup of cocoa for instance, it's a silly thing perhaps, but I love fall and I love the chill in the air and so the cocoa just put the icing on the cake. I can already tell today is going to be a great day... and if by some chance it ends up being not so great... then that will be fine too. We can try again tomorrow. Enjoy your Saturday!!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Life is just happening right now. I have said before that life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. Well that is exactly how I feel right now. It's funny you spend all this time planning things and it doesn't matter what you plan, chances are it's not going to work out like you had hoped, imagined, planned, etc... I had planned to have a decent job by now... well that hasn't happened. I had planned for Zac to still be in the US... that didn't happen either. I had planned on many things, yet none of them went as planned... so in other words... life happened. It has been over a month since I last blogged on blogger. Zac left for Afghanistan Saturday. He has made it there safely, but still has one more flight to catch before he gets to his actual destination. I was able to talk to him briefly this morning, then my messenger messed up and I could not see the messages. I have os much to say and so many emotions to convey, I do not even know where to begin. I am happy because I am totally happy for the first time in many parts of my life, yet at the same time other parts of my life are lacking that feeling. I have hurt my mom so much and that hurts me. I love her more than she could ever know and I know that no matter how much I try to show her or try to convey the depth of my love to her, she will never know. I feel like such a failure. I just don't know what else to do. The job outlook is still shady, the money is still non-existent and to top it all off... I feel like my mom hates me. Ok so she doesn't hate me, but she doesn't like me very much right now. I can't really say that I blame her. I want to do things right and not screw my life up again, but it seems like every time things start looking a little brighter a huge storm comes my way. I just feel like I am the world's biggest screw up most days lately. This is not the path I chose for my life- well I guess it is indirectly, but not exactly what I had envisioned or imagined. Hopefully all of that will change soon and I will have my act together.

On a more positive note- Zac and I are great. I miss him so much and he hasn't even been gone 48 hours yet. I am so thankful that he took some time off work before leaving. We were able to spend a good bit of time together and just really enjoy each other’s company, which had always been on a schedule before. It’s amazing how truly blessed I have been in the short 5 months of being with Zachry. God has just shown His love time and time again. Zac and I are so much alike it is unreal at times. It' also amazingly cool. This last week, we went on a 150 mile bike ride through the Georgia mountains. That was really fun. Then we went to the fair on Thursday and pigged out on everything. I got sick on one of the rides- which has never happened before, but it just made some memories. After we left the fair, we had just gotten in the truck and reached in the abck seat and handed me a box. It had a beautiful bracelet in there. It was originally supposed to be my birthday present, but he decided to go ahead and give it to me as a combo anniversary/birthday gift. He figured that I would have rather have it directly from him, than given to me after he was gone. However, that was a very nice thought that he was thinking that far ahead in his planning. Anyway, Friday we had dinner with the family and then we went for ice cream. Saturday was the day he left, so not much happened that day. We brught Lacy down to Roanoke, then headed back to Dallas for him to finish packing. Anyway, I was able to talk to him briefly on messenger this morning and maybe I will get to talk more later. I guess I need to get busy cleaning now, but I will try and blog more regularly. Remember to pray for Zac's safety and for my situation with the house, car and job search. Much love to you all!

It's been almost a month since the last blog...

things have been crazy. Let's see, what is the latest news that you guys need to be caught up on... the divorce is a no go right now. So much for Robert taking care of it, of course I should have known that I couldn't depend on him. I have been staying in Georgia lately because I am sitting with someone at the hospital. I am still looking for a steady job, but for now this is cool. Zac is going to Afghanistan for a year and a half... He will be leaving on the 23rd. He will be home for 2 weeks every 4 months. It will be hard, but it will definitely be a true test... of our devotion and love. Of course I am sad, but at the same time I'm excited for him. It will be good for me too. I need to concentrate on me for once in my life and that's what I intend to do. Whether or not it will work, I have no clue, but we shall see. I have a tendancy to get sidetracked to say the least, but also if I'm really into something, I go crazy with it and that is my goal with this. I want to get myself re-established and finish all of my degrees... lol That in itself is a job. My mom is awesome- I just have to brag for a minute. She is trying to quit smoking and is doing tremedously well. I am so proud of her. I was home some this week and I did not see her smoke even the first cigarette. That was a huge deal! I can't wait to spend some time with her this weekend. I am going home this afternoon and have been so excited about it. I do wish I could see Zac before I went and I could, but I need to see my mom. I was kind of a not so nice person this morning towards Zac and I am feeling totally terrible for it. I sometimes say things because I am upset and then I so wish I could take them back later. I have just felt terrible all day because of it. We had a great night last night and then I have to ruin it by being a b with an itch this morning. I don't like starting the day off negatively, especially when I don't get to see that person or make things right. Anyway, I guess that is really the just of things now. Oh I almost forgot, Zac was my knight in shining armour last week. My truck had been acting crazy, I thought the transmission was going bad on it. Turns out it was just the spark plugs and wires and Zac fixed it for me. Even though he isn't into fixing cars, he did it for me. I joked with him and told him that I would never doubt his love for me. He truely is an amazing person. I am so blessed.

It's hard to say...

How does one express what she feels when she doesn't even know? I have been so discouraged lately on so many different levels. Life is just happening and there is nothing I can do about it. I know this, but yet it doesn't help my feelings one bit. I have been on the job hunt for months now... and no luck. I have started pulling away from my family and friends, just so I can pour myself into the job hunt. I realize that you can only search so many hours in a day, but even the hours that I'm not hunting it seems I am working on a resume or staring blankly at my email waiting for a word to come about a job. I have had a summer to do whatever with pretty much and I have let it go to waste. Ben asked me the other day if I had enjoyed the summer and really I haven't. To begin with I did play a bit, but now I feel like I don't desrve to play and that I don't have a right to enjoy my free time. My mom said to enjoy it while I have it, but I feel so guilty even thinking such. I am forcing ymself to limit my recreational activities to the weekends... and even then I am usually sitting at home with my mother. I just feel so lame. I am finally happy with who I am as a person, loving my life... with the exception of no job and yet I am not allowing myself to enjoy it. I seriously need help. So last night, I read Ryan's blog. It really hit home and was just what I needed. You see it seems like I keep hitting road blocks no matter which way I turn, and he made me see that all of those blocks, mountains, valleys, twists and turns in the road are just preparing me for what God has in store. It also reminded me that I had not really stopped to ask for directions in a long time. So last night, I had a come to Jesus talk with myself... lol Obviously it worked... because after that, I had a Jesus come to me talk with the Lord... and guess what? He did just that! I poured out my heart and soul and basically said I didn't have a clue what I was doing or where I was going, but I did know that I wanted it to be His will, no matter what I did. I want to live for Him, not for She'Na. Being out of God's will is not something I want to endure, nor do I intend to even venture close to that valley. I am not prepared to handle the wrath. So, I got the best sleep last night I had gotten in a very very very long time. I think I slept a full 8 hours without interruption, which says a great deal. I didn't even have the assistance of a sleeping pill of any kind. I had thought about it though. This morning when I woke up, I felt rejuvenated and ready to take on the world... well at least a new day. I did just that. The day went by faster than any other day has in a long time and even though I did the same thing I have been doing, I actually felt like I was getting somewhere. Time will tell, but I'm prepared to wait it out... even if it means I will continue to be broke. It will all be worth it int he end, because GOd has something bigger and better than I could have ever imagined in mind for me and to me that makes it totally worth the effort!

Another sleepless night...

So I usually blog at night... used to it was because I couldn't sleep for one reason or another, sometimes the snoring usually added to it, but tonight it's for other reasons. I just have a lot on my mind... I haven't taken a lot of time lately to reflect on positive things. Lately it seems the only reflections have been negative ones and those were more regrets than reflections. Today was the day that I started getting ready to move back into the house. It's a happy time, but kind of sad too. The house was a disaster and I got a lot of it cleaned up and that really helped my feelings a whole bunch. I was so hurt that a home that we worked so hard to build, was just trashed because of a few bitter feelings. I'm the one who has a right to be bitter about things, and yet I remain civil. So De and I clean our hearts out today and after a few hours are totally exhausted. I tell you, I owe that girl, big time! She has helped me out just when I needed it the most... our friendship isn't prefect, but we have been through some crap and still managed to make it... that what makes it so awesome. Anyway, we decided to call it a day, I was bitter because I had to clean up a horrible mess that I did not make and then I noticed my new towels gone that I had been saving for the bathroom renovation and the worst part... a hole in the wall!!!!!!!! Supposedly Robert fell into the wall, but whatever. I can't believe a word that is said lately especially since he refuses to respond to my messages, but does manage to take the time to do so to my brother's and mother's. So I was feeling good about the progress today, but I was so tired. My head has started hurting which I could tell was a migraine in the making. I had a meeting this afternoon and just was not in the mood. I was thirsty, hot and sweaty to say the least. I wanted something cold... and icey. I decided on a shaved ice, then I saw the icey lady. It was one of my favorite things as a kid... I remember standing in the driveway waiting for the icey lady to come by. As soon as I would hear the music, I would search frantically for money and head out the door. Those were the days... life was simple and innocent. Now, I have had an icy a few times since childhood, but I always get a different flavor than I did as a child. I had my usual, every day I would order a cherry coconut icey with a bag of cotton candy. I even had a charge account... and when mom would allow, I would treat the whole neighborhood to iceys. So today, I thought I need to relive some good memories, so I decided on the icey instead of the shaved ice, besides it is easier to drink and I was THIRSTY! I decided that I would order my old favorite- cherry coconut and that's just what I did. I was so excited, as soon as I took my first sip a huge smile came on my face and I was taken instantly back in time. It was a familiar time, it was a fun time, my parents were still married to each other, my family still lived at home, my friends were over constantly, my house was huge and beautiful... I had it all. The flavor was so soothing, it was surreal. It was exactly what I needed to help my mood. It had been a day where I just needed a hug. I got a little emotional at times, because of smells or a movement that prompted certain memories, but the icey made all that better. It was the best hug in a cup I have had in a long time.

So when I got home I drank my icey, rested a bit in the cool dark living room until time for the meeting. When I came home from the meeting, I washed some pillows, folded some clothes, took care of some business and then showered and went to bed. My head was hurting soooo bad. I was in bed before 8:30. That is so NOT like me. I read my Bible, Zac called, I talked to him a bit then tried to go to sleep. No such luck. The headache only grew. I decided to take some migraine meds and attempt again, I played around on myspace a bit letting the meds start doing their thing. Success! The pain eased immensely, but then, I was wide awake. I decided to channel surf, nothing interesting enough, so then I decided to watch home movies. It was exactly what I needed. I have laughed, cried, giggled and sobbed at the things captured on film. I have seen my girls grow from babies to big girls, saw my late aunt who was like my second mom, watched my mom and dad grow older, seen the houses change and the people too, relived the last 9 years of my life with Robert, which was a good thing. Our 7th wedding anniversary is Sunday and I have been wondering how I will do. I also wonder how moving back into "our" home will work. The last night I spent there was with him... so it will be different, but I'm ready. As I said earlier, I have had a lot of bitter feelings lately. Most of them toward Robert. I have been too busy focusing on the negative things, the person I didn't know, the I can't believe I did that's and other regrets... Yesterday, my mom reminded me that I did have to remember that Robert was good to me and that he was a good person. I had forgotten all of that. I had let years of hurt, decption, anger and resentment erase my warm fuzzy feelings that I once had for the man I once cherished. When I saw those videos, it was amazing that all those happy feelings came back, not the I want him back feelings, but the yeah he was a great guy kind of feelings. I am glad of that, I didn't like having ugly thoughts, especially about the one I fell in love with and married. I even had myself questioning myself for marrying him. I was reminded after watching those movies. Unfortunately,he isn't that person anymore, but it's good that I have the good moments captured on tape. He was good to me and he did love me. I was so blessed to be loved so strongly. Unfortunately he loved other things more. He was a great uncle to my girls and that meant so much. He was always right there with my crazy ideas and went right along with the plans the girls and I made, never once complaining. I don't know when things started to go sour, and it doesn't really matter, because once done is done. I do know that I did have several happy years with him and I am forever thankful for those. I am thankful even for the divorce, because people change... just as he has changed, so have I. Lately, I have thought that maybe I shouldn't have married him, maybe it was a mistake, maybe I was too young and didn't really love him, maybe he didn't love me... but tonight, I realized that I was in it for the right reasons and that he did love me, and that's a good thing. I also realized that I am now getting out of it for the right reasons too. That's an even better thing. So, now I have cried tears of sadness, pain, happiness and joy. I am now more ready than ever to get on with my new life and can't wait for all the happy times yet to come! Of course I am sad, because I am getting a divorce and you never think that you will, so that is sad, but at the same time I am happy because I am getting a divorce because the feelings that once were there are no more and it's not fair for either of us to stay where we aren't wanted. I think the seperation was long overdue. If you've stuck with me this long, thanks for listening to my ramblings. I know they probably make no sense, but I just kind of had to "put it on paper" so that I could finally get some rest. My head is better, my heart is better, my life is better, my love is better and I am now going to bed. Good night!

Today is Friday- add a little sunshine

I love Fridays. I don't know why, but for as long as I can remember I have loved them. Even in school I always had a special outfit picked out for Friday. It might be silly, but it got me through the rest of the week and I felt like a princess in my special Friday attire. So today is indeed Friday and I have on a cute outfit today too. lol Imagine that. However, in all honesty, I did not realize it was so darn cute until I put it on and saw how perfect it was. So anyway...

Today has not been a fun day generally speaking. I got a phone message early this morning and I should have known te day would go down hill from that point. I know it will get better though. It's just all this divorce stuff is really taking a toll on me. You know you just think you know someone and it's like, "Who the heck is that person?" I am really seeing a side of people that I never knew existed and I must say it isn't pretty. Of course that works in retrospect too, I have seen a softer side of people in my life that I never knew was there, or amybe I did, but I just never noticed it or had experienced it first hand. There are people in your life who you think will be there through thick and thin no matter what and then, when the time comes, they aren't. Then there are those who you think would never stand by you or jump in to lend a hand and yet they are there every step of the way. It's those people that I am so awesomely blessed to have with me on my journey of life.

You know, right now it would be so easy to turn away from everyone and everything I knew before and just go to a safe place away from the world.... and by this I do NOT mean Jenn's bed, like in the old days. I mean some where really far, like just fall off the face of the planet. I so want to do that on days every now and then, but then I am reminded of all the great people in my life and all the wonderful little things that I would miss about those guys. So, I decide to wait it out because good things come to those who wait. The only things that keep me going though are God and my support team of family and friends. They are all my rock and I have no clue where or who I would be without them. I pray that I never find out that answer either. Today as I was reading my Bible, some things jumped out at me that never had before. It was like answers to questions that I had, but at the same time I didn't know that I had those questions either. The weirdest part was that I had read that chapter and those very same very a million times probably and had even had them read to me as they are so familiar. I never realized that particular wording was in there. It was awesome to say the least. So I am just thankful, that even when we think the day is dark and dreary, God finds a place to add a little sunshine to brighten the day and roll the clouds away. That's exactly what happened today... and now I love Fridays even more than before! No, I still don't know any more than I did before as far as where I am in life right now, nor do I know the direction that I am supposed to be going, but I do know that God is with me and will be every single step of the way! Have a wonderfully blessed Friday! I know I already have!

Today is Wednesday.

That means that it is a Dallas night. It seems that on Wednesday I go to Dallas and he, Jessica, Josh and I all go to Buffalo's for Bash Night(all you can eat hot wings). That is one of my favorite things to do. It's not because I love hot wings, but it's because I love that Zac is so family oriented and I love hanging with Josh and Jessica. My family doesn't really hang out except on major holidays and then that just seems rushed. I'm just a family oriented person and I like that they are too. So I must decide on what I am wearing and make the long journey to Dallas for the week. It's my weekend in Georgia, so we are going to see a movie. I have to catch up on the first two of the series first. Anyway, Robert's not sure about a closing for the house, so now we (Mom and I) are looking to put it on the market or move into it ourselves. I wouldn't mind just moving into it, but I sure do hate that I have moved my stuff out already just to move it back in again. I guess that would be ok though. Hopefully Robert will know something one way or the other this week. The biggest thing right now is we don't know if he's getting the house or not, so we don't know what to do and are sort of at a stand still. Meanwhile, I have finally started scrapbooking again and am working on my Book of Me. This is the album that I insist that De and I do so that future generations would know who was the one taking all the pictures. I got as far as my title page, which is usually the last page that is done, and pretty much quit. That was probably 2.5 years ago and I am now finally doing another page. I have worked on 3 different layouts this week and they are finished except adding some photos and maybe a few journaled pieces. This album is very different because it's more like an autobiography or a research paper. Usually I can just tell what everyone was doing at the moment, but this book takes some thinking. It has been fun though scrapping again. I have quite a bit of dough "invested" in my scrapping supplies, so I might as well use it. One of the ebst parts of De and I getting together was that we had our favorite late night treat of noodles with sour cream and mushrooms. This was a weekly treat in high school, but you have to eat it late at night. So we did and it was scrumptious! Well I need to go and wash some clothes and pick out my attire. Have a great week!

Long time no blog

So Jenn said I hadn't blogged on here in a while, so I figured I should... since I do have fans and all. HAHAHA ROFLMBO

Let's see what has been going on lately. I guess the biggest thing is I'm still job hunting. In the past when I didn't need a job... I could have any job I wanted on the spot. It was always like that. Now, that is NOT The case. I am practically begging. Maybe people aren't hiring because it's summer or something, but dude I sooooo need cash! I have done very well at stretching my dollars, however I sooo want a pedicure and some goodies from Bath & Body Works. However, my car payment seems to be the main need/want right now. Robert is buying the house, so that part of the divorce should be over soon. Unfortunately, the other part is not going as smoothly as I had planned. I don't know what made me think that it would... but you know one can always dream.

Other than my jobless state and being almost 30 and living with my mother.... again... life is grand. Now I love living with my mom and I love even more that she isn't alone, however I feel so lame just by the fact that it is a necessity right now. I have officially moved back into my old room. It's still pink... and the same curtains are still up as the day I moved a little over 9 years ago. However, let me just tell you that when a room is pretty much left for 9 years, dust accumulates... in every single place possible!!! I wish the room could be fixed all nice and pretty, but at this point I am just glad to get my clothes out of a suitcase. I haven't made it that far yet, but that is my goal soon.

Hmmm, what all has happened since I last blogged. Oh I had a staph infection on my chin, that was weird and it hurt like heck! I spent Memorial Day with Zac and his family at the lake. I had a wonderful time! I wish my family did stuff like that, but it never fails someone would end up mad at someone else and everyone's weekend would be ruined. So, I guess I will live vicariously through the Cain's. hehe The Gang had a cook out at Paul and Kim's, we celebrated Bitty's birthday. That was nice and the food was yumm-o! Especially my peach cobbler... lol Which would be heavenly to have right about now.

My Boogie girl turned 11 yesterday. I cannot believe it. I actually haven't had much time to think about it and it is best that way. I would be way too emotional.

Relay for Life is this Friday night. We(the gang) will all be there because it is part of our Junior Service League service hours. It's always fun to just have a big social event with the town, while doing a good thing too. I can't wait to see/hear the responses from people when they find out Robert and I are not together. It is ridiculous. My phone rings like crazy and anytime I go someone people are asking because they have seen him and his girlfriend. I just think it's funny.

Well I need to check on my laundry and work on a website project for a bit. I am working for my brother part timely... it's pretty easy stuff and at this point money is money... anyway... Have a wonderful week! Night.

Random ramblings...

I'm bored, so I thought I would come here and blog. I haven't done it in a while, and really have no particular topic so prepare yourself for random randomness. So... let's see, what has been going on lately? I'm getting a divorce... not sure if everyone knows that, but it's true. Everyone is in shock, but it's been a long time coming actually. Our marriage has been over way longer than we have been seperated, I'm just glad that we both realize that and are trying to both be civil. Some more civil than others, but I'm not going there... Do you ever wonder if people do things because they genuinely want to or if it's just to see the reaction of others. I'm not necessarily talking shock factor here, just lately some people have made certain choices, statements that really just confused the heck out of me. I don't know if they are sincere or if they just want to see how I react... honestly they probably don't even know the answer, but I digres... Anywho... moving along, the job hunt is on for real! I'm still doing photography, but unfortunately that does not pay too well for a single gal. When I had a husband, it was awesome... now, it's actually depressing, but that's cool. Everything happens for a reason and will work out the way it should... I just wish God would clue me in on when that will be. I'm not asking for exact date and time, but you know a general idea would not hurt at all. ;) I have put in my application all over the place. I would mind moving and having a fresh start, but at the same time that is so scary to leave my comfort zone. Robert and I had talked about how it would be nice before, but we would have had each other... all I will have is ME! That scares the heck out of me. I'm really excited about it though. Right now, I'm just praying that God will send me where he wants me to go and provide the funds for it. I'm totally spoiled by the cost of living in Roanoke, but that place has no jobs... so I'm going to have to step out of my comparitive shopper mode and go where the dough is... I have my friends that I have had forever, and it scares me leaving my comfort zone. However, when I lived in Auburn, I loved it. I didn't have friends there to begin with, but I did gain a few. My sister and aunt were there, my sister and I became a lot closer when I lived there and even though I missed my Mama it was totally worth it living there. It was fun too. It was the first time I had my own place. Then Robert moved in shortly after, but it wasn't really MY own place being that he paid for everything, so I guess really if we want to look at it from a technically speaking aspect, I haven't had my own place. Robert paid for everything. When he moved to Roanoke and I stayed in Auburn, he still paid the bills, well he supplied the money for the bills. Everytime I worked, that was just fun money... it will be an adjustment, but I think it's going to be SUPER! Yeah, I just said super... lol I have no clue where that came from... I guess it was just floating around and my brain decided to throw it out there for me to share with the world.

On a totally different note, yet kind of the same... I am happier now than I think I have ever been. I don't mean happy with material things, because right now all of my stuff is at my old house and I'm staying with Mom, but I just mean in general, that high on life feeling that I get from time to time... I'm totally lovin' it! I'm finding a whole new side of me and it's very cool. Each day brings a new surprise and I can't wait to see the person I have been surpressing all along that was just dying to break free. Ok, so maybe that's a little stretch because I haven't exactly gone wild. Despite the opnion of others... I have not! I have been open to new things that I would have never given a second thought to before and I just feel more free. I totally feel like I could take on the world. So many people have commented that I'm much more laid back and if you know me in real life, then you know that is a big deal! I would love to have been laid back, however, there just wasn't enough time and I liked things too structured for that to happen. I'm just kind of taking it all in and processing things still, but I'm cool with that. I'm a nice person... hehe well I have always been a nice person, but I was more snobby and high strung... very much in fact, and that is not me anymore. I'm very thankful too, because I don't like to be stressed and that is exactly what I was becoming... I can't wait to see what the future holds! So that's all of my randomness for now. I guess I should go and check on dinner, but I just wanted to get some of my thoughts out of my head. Have a great afternoon!

I fell in love with a jar of spaghetti sauce...

It has been a while since I blogged on here, as I have been bloggin on myspace, just some small random musings... nothing special. I decided I better find my way back over here for the good stuff. ;)
I posted a few weeks ago on my myspace blog that it's all in the little things. Zac left me a sweet note and it was just a small gesture, but the thought behind it had a huge impact. Sunday afternoon we had lunch at his parent's house. After we left, we went grocery shopping. We were getting the items for lasagna and were debating on the sauce... I am so used to having to get traditional or extra meat that I somehow have lost my sauce preference in my mind. He started naming off sauces, I agreed to each one, then he asked about the chunky mushroom sauce! Success!!! I had forgot that even existed. Then he went even further and asked if I wanted a jar of mushrooms to add to the sauce. Oh my goodness!! Where did he come from? This is sooooo my idea guy as far as the spaghetti sauce goes. lol I realize we should have probably made our own, but this is a new relationship afterall and it has been a long time since I made homemade spaghetti sauce. At this point, I just hope the lasagna turns out to be edible. Now, Robert said that Zac is a lucky man because I am making my lasagna for him and he gets to eat my cooking. He also said he will definitely fall in love with me now... way to go on the nerves there Rob! I know you meant well, but dude... the pressure! I do make good lasagna, however the last two times I made it, it was not my favorite. We shall see. It is made and looks delicious, not sure how it tastes though. Brownies are in the oven now. They smell divine! So it's kind of weird, because I thought Robert and I were a lot alike in a lot of ways. However, I now see that we aren't so much a like at all. I think we were a like because we had been together for so long. Zac and I are a lot a like just because we really are. Robert and I did NOT agree on veggies. Zac and I do. I know that might be small and stupid, but when you have alter your preferences to accomodate someone else, you lose sight of things that you really like. That goes for more than just mushroom and onions and even farther than spaghetti sauce. You think something that small would not be a big deal, but it's those small things that add up over time that turn molehills into mountains. This stuff is right there along with religious beliefs in my book now. lol All of this should have been taken into consideration before marraige, but you don't think about that stuff. It's like buying a house. The first time you buy you think you know what you want. Then after a while, you realize what you thought you wanted isn't exactly what you need and really wasn't what you wanted either. I'm not saying mushrooms and onions or the lack thereof ruined my marriage, the problems were way more complicated than that. I'm just saying it's good to be in agreement totally for once... without having to compromise.

The unexpected...

Sometimes you think you know what you want and you have it, but maybe it isn't all that you want or maybe it wasn't what you wanted to begin with. Sometimes you don't know what you want until it's gone and then it might just be too late. There comes a point in time when you have to give up all you've been holding on to and face the reality that maybe your life isn't as perfect as you wanted it to be and it will never be. At that point it is imperative that you choose what is best for you and what will make you the happiest. It might not be what you think want to do, but it might just be exactly what you've been hoping you would find. Even if you weren't looking. At one point in my life I thought that I had it all and nothing could be any better. It wasn't long after that, that I realized what I had wasn't all it was craced up to be, especially when the one thing you held onto for so long, didn't return the favor. Now I am comign to realize that I am me and I love who I am. I am not the me that I have always been, but I am the me who I am now. I like this new me. I do things that I would have never done before and I feel comfortable with myself. I am running away from that miss sunshine/ stepford wife attitude and living my life for the first time ever. It feels awesome. Do I wish that my marriage would not have fallen apart? Absolutely, when you get married it is for life and you are supposed to do anything and everything to hold on to that. I did just that, but I couldn't hold on any longer and the rope finally broke. It has been an eye opening experience and a reality check to say the least. However, I love my life and I wouldn't change a thing. I don't regret things I have done or said and I won't either. Would I have chosen a different path if I would have known the outcome of the path chosen... I hope not. We all learn from our life moments, mistakes, successes, failures and heartbreaks. It only makes us stronger and prepares us for who or what lies ahead. No one goes into a marriage thinking it will only last a year or two and of course we don't plan on that... however life sometimes has a way of working things differently than we had planned. It just adds pages to a chapter in our book of life, we just have to remember that the best is yet to come. We don't know the plans that God has for us, but we have to realize that we can never even come close to realizing the greatness of His master plan, and no matter how great we think our plan is... it is nothing compared to God's.

My head hurts

Well, I've had a very long yet boring day. I have a migraine from somewhere South of here... I went all sorts of places today, but ended up coming home around 7 and did not get anything accomplished. I hope I will feel more up to it tomorrow. My orders ame in so those will be delivered tomorrow. I will be all caught up and that's a good feeling. I guess I'm ging to chill for now, I am talking to Kim, so I will give her my undivided attention.

Oh it is definitely a Monday today...

I am so ILL!!!! You ever have those days when everyone gets on your nerves. I'm having that day today. Even people I only know online have me p'od. The worst part about it is, I haven't even talked to those people. lol I think I need therapy... of some kind at least. I have that dang bite and it hurts like heck!! My lymph nodes are swollen because of it, but what to do. Can't get in to see a dr so my arm will probably rot off. I so need to get in a better mood. I think I need to do something that I want to do today. I am working right now on prom photos and checking over the orders that came back from the lab today, but yet I just feel blah! I need drugs!!! There is a bowl of lifesaver jelly beans on my desk, but I am fighting the urge. They aren't a fruit or a vegestable, so I will be even be p'od at my self if I eat any of those... sure doesn't stop me for fantasizing about the taste. lol My photos are about halfway uploading, man I need to stop taking so many. lol I don't have time for this. I think I am going to take a brief walk while they are finishing, maybe that will help me feel better.

So... My butt is tired!!!

Literally!!! I did not go to bed until 4 yesterday morning, then got up at 8 to drive my Dad to get my little brother. It was like 13 hours total. To make the trip even worse... my dad is not into music like I am. It made him nervous. lol My reply was take a nerve pill old man. lol Of course being the perfect daughter I turned the music off entirely. No one would say anything. SO that even made me sleepier. My little sister went with us. Occassionally she would say something.. but she pretty much slept which made me jealous! lol I wanted to sleep! Finally I had to turn the music back on. I told my dad, that I was sorry but I couldn't handle it I was tired and they weren't talking me so the music was keeping me awale. Finally he was ok with it, if I agreed to turn the bass down. I mean seriously dude... so I turned it downa bit and man it sucked! My sister was on my side on this one... she said the music was relaxing. lol My little brother Chris is the sweetest little boy. He evens opens doors for his sisters and he is only 10!!! It takes me back to when Michael was his age, I miss those times. That was when he liked me. The now almost 15 year old does good to even respond to a question. He did however ask me to go eat lunch with him when his school had a thing for family day. However, by the time the day came, I was no longer allowed to go. He said I gave his friends too much information. lol I had done enough damage according to him. I did a shoot at his school a few weeks back and his buddies were hanging around while I was shooting. They said that last year Michael acted like he was dumb. Acted being the operative word here... I responded, "Yeah. That boy is smarter than he lets on to be. Don't him fool you." I thought I did a good thing to take up for him... however, according to him this was the wrong thing to do!

I am trying to cleaqn up my scrapbooking room, it is a disaster. I have been wanting to sew lately, but I couldn't get to my stuff. lol, so I figured I better do something. Plus, it is a real downer when your scrapping buddy calls to see if you want to scrapbook and your reply is, "I have scrapbooking stuff in there?" lol I knew it of course, but couldn't tell you where it was. lol

I got bit by another spider or something... I had a med consult today with Mrs. Bonnie. I have instructions to go to the dr tomorrow and get an antibiotic as it is tunnelling.. ewww and now my lymphnodes are swollen. Thanks alot! I know one thing the bite hurts, but I think the lymph nodes might hurt even worse than that! I guess I will get back to cleaning,, so I can have my nightly chats with tha girls. See ya!

Oh, Quick niece updates... Courtney, (middle niece, 7) has been chosen to be tested for gifted... and everyone says she is me made over.. hmm now I believe them. ;)

Bree (last niece, 6) is only in Kindergarten, but is really enjoying the Goosebumps series. This girl reads larger books than I do.

Brook (oldest, 10) had her pre-prientation for middle school. I'm about in tears over that. I have chosen her extracurricular activites for her... lol I even convinced her that she would be adorable in a golf outfit and that she should be on the golf team.

Cass (newest addition, 17) is currently looking for a prom date. Why? BEcause her other date is a jerk and well.. he doesn't deserve to be accompanied by someone as lovely as she.

Ok, think that's really it now. Later!!!

I am so bored....

This is NEVER a good thing with me. I don't handle boredom well. It's a good thing that I'm not bored that often. When I am bored, I often come up with drastic things to do and things that ususally cost a lost of money, that I suddenly NEED. Yes, I said Need. That being said, I have a lonnnng list. I have a shoot today, then I will be ready with my list. That list which includes some practical items, possibly has more not so practical needs. Those of which include a Brachioplasty (Arm job) and a fat roll removal... lol I'm sure there is a technical term, but whatever... I just want it done. I also want new bedding, new crown molding in my bedroom and my walls painted. Will tuiis be accomplisehed tonight? Doubtful... I have a shoot and then I have to get ready to go get my little brother from his mom's tomorrow. Maybe some of it will get done this weekend though. I guess, I should get ready for the shoot and return all the darn phone calls from everybody in the brother calling today. Have a great Friday. At the moment I'm having my lovely meal of apple chips. Yum!!! This totally does not go along with my whole living foods deal, but what can I say, I love these things!!! I think I can handle just one bag a day... lol of course that is an individual portion.